Bitter

There are times  where you just want some people to not comment on anything you do . But , support you and help you to find a solution.

I’ve overloaded myself with duties , responsibilities and commitments that I cannot possibly runaway from . I am very stressed I have to  admit .

My main concern at the moment . I need sponsors . I need sponsors for our Surgical Society event. I woke up this morning filled with optimism . I trust that there will be sponsors . I will find these sponsors. I trust that God will see me through this time .

In times like this , it feels as though the whole world is crumbling down on you . I feel the heaviness ; the load of a 100kg weight on my shoulders ; i have to hold on to this 100kg weight until everything is over .

People around me sympathize . Some even advise me not to wear this hat that is too big for me . Some comment that I have “no life” . These are from friends and colleagues . I do think about these advices  but i don’t really take them seriously .

But , it really doesn’t help when the people who are close to you comment on these . I know that , yes , what they say are all very true . I know . But , I can’t turn things around . You , commenting on it again and saying that I shouldn’t do this  and that I brought this upon myself  does not change anything .

I don’t need a lecture . Its not a mistake that i’ve done . Why lecture ?

I just need you to understand . I need you to feel what i am going through . And most importantly , i just need you to encourage me to hang in there . I just need your full support .

I know I can get through this . I know no matter what . God still loves me . It may be God’s will for this heavy load upon me . I don’t know .

Now , I just have give my very best and do my part  .

I thank all those who are understanding enough to hear my complains .

I thank those who have the patience to hear me sulk and sulk over and over again on the same things .

I thank those who offered their helping hands .

I thank those who encouraged and push me forward .

I thank those who have to bear with my temper and stressed out alter-ego .

And I thank God . For He has blessed me abundantly with all those people.

 

Virus of the phone

I am going to get a new phone and a new sim card ! That is final. I can’t tolerate the key pad of my k850i anymore !! Typing SMS has never been such a torture.

And I’m getting a new number!!! The guy who is staying opposite my place is still harassing me !!! It’s just very disturbing to see his darn messages on days when I’m really messed up.

I really don’t understand what happened. I already explained to him. Heck I don’t even know when me and him clicked. I only met him once. Replied him a little. And I really mean LITTLE. And I basically ignored his messages throughout the whole sem 6 and now sem 7. Walao eh !! Reaching half a year already ok !!! And I don’t know why he still SMS me when I don’t give him any replies. Crap!!!! It’s like my handphone’s infected with a Trojan virus you knowwwwww :( . Getting all those SPAM smses.

It’s especially disturbing when he sends SMS as if I am his girlfriend. When I am not even his good friend. It’s especially creepy when he looks over our place and comments on what we are doing. How to go on tolerating such things ??These are only part of the things he sends. These aren’t the most disturbing things that he has sent. It’s too gross to be repeated or recalled. Plus I wouldn’t want to store a memory like that here.

I am sorry. But I think he needs God really badly. I’m serious.

It’s like he is infusing testosterone into his bloodstream !! He needs psychiatric help too.

I’m very sorry lah. But he is too much !!!

I’m going to maxis tomorrow ! >_<

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Shut myself up

Sometimes its better not to say anything to anyone about anybody

I will never ever trust people to know what and what not to say

Shut my mouth

I’m a angry person lately .

So by all mean .

DO NOT BUG ME .

At least until the anger subsides .

I am expressing my dissatisfaction now .

When i share with you something . I expect you not to tell anyone else .  I expect you to keep it with you .

I think i’m contradicting myself .

I need to change instead . Not expecting others to change .

I want to punch myself . tear my mouth . cut my tongue  (very gruesome , sorry)

because it has done  harm . (what i think is harm)

This is not the first time . shit . When will i learn this lesson .

 I am truely sincerely sorry .

P/s: you probably don’t understand what i’m rambling about . oh well ..

Harassment

The opposite uncle ‘s son is soooooooo “”friendly !!

and also very free .

He is like waiting for me to finish my exam . And waiting for me to reply his sms .

I’m ignoring his calls and sms . Feel so evil .

Is there another choice ?

i think that replying him would send wrong signals .

and worsen the situation .

yes ? no ?

Each day , he sends sms telling me that he wants to change . Change his bad habits . And be a good person .

I don’t know why he is telling me that.

Also saying that befriending me would help him be more ambitious , be a better person .

O.O

err…really ?

So my plan .

Don’t reply . Don’t answer calls . Don’t look at the house opposite . If i do see him , just wave and smile .

Hopefully .

His hormones balance up . and move on .

I feel like changing my hp number already .

Memo to self : never give out your hp number to guys . want also call them to email you .

Lesson Learnt.

Right . Aside with the  harassment .I’ll tell y0u a contrasting story now .

EEEEEEEEEE . . . the anaesthesiologist group of people looks so ”Yeng” lerrrr ..

whenever they walk into the wards ….  like got a wind blow pass them errr …

*DROOL*

and there’s one guy … hou leng zai arrrrr ….   decent looking , very gentleman looking  ….

Gah , i’m melting

I am motivated to start running again and slim down so that he’ll look my way …. zzz crap

 I’m nuts .

update: word out . my brother says the anaesthesiologist is already … Married . Crap . =_=”

Up on stage

Today , i presented for 10 minutes up on a stage in front of 100 + people .

And i failed .

I wasn’t loud enough . I wasn’t smooth enough . I still had to depend on the paper despite going over and over and even memorizing it .

I don’t like presenting . I never ever liked presenting . But i want to present . I want to get over the fright i have .

However .

I don’t think its stage fright that’s the problem .

In front of 100 +people , i am a nervous wreck . In front of 9 other group members . I am as nervous as I am in front of 100 people . Heck , even in front of 4 people . I am stuttering away .

What’s the problem ?

What’t my problem ?

What’s wrong ?

I am furious with this “nervousness” and panic attacks that i have .

I experience it everytime i want to perform well in something .

Playing the piano at church . Presenting a case . Presenting in front of friends . Answering questions .

Why ?

I prepare myself  very well . I memorize what i needed to say up on stage . I practiced the piano till my fingers hurt . I go through my cases again and again .

But what’s the use .

I get so uptight . i make mistakes that i don’t normally make . I play the wrong notes that i don’t normally play . I say the wrong things when i know have the right answers inside me .

I can do so much better without being nervous .

My friends say that i lack the confidence in myself .

True . I do think of myself as a low life .

And i do feel like strangulating myself for thinking that way of myself sometimes .

Trying everytime to just let go and be less self-conscious . To just leave everything as it is .

I’m trying too hard .

I should like .. just don’t care  .. i take matters way too seriously .

End of posting exam next week .

How ?

Don’t want to care .

>.<

Seriously , serious .

People are so irresponsible .

Selfish .

Thinking of themselves . ONLY .

And i wish that , one day . A comet would fall from the sky and squash the selfishness out of em ppl .

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Someone just lied . Professionally . But , too bad , after putting all the effort of telling the lie , that someone is still unable to lie pass a MHS Beta brain . I feel so embarrassed for her . Imagine yourself telling lies to people who you plan to cheat . These people , know more than you’d expect . And after telling the lie , u found out that they actually watched you lie to them . In this scenario , I am the one watching her lie .
How can someone just lie without blinking ? How can someone make up lies so that she would seem noble and as innocent as a 3 year old and … not feel a single guilt at all ?
Its really funny , as I rewind my thoughts back to the seconds she crapped . I still remember every movement she made and the tone she used when she lied . Its still fresh in my head .
You must be wondering what is it that she lied about . And maybe who she is .
Here goes .
So , the utility bills came in yesterday … I came back , jaw dropped upon hearing the numbers . Each of us had to pay RM 150 which means . RM 75 per month per person . I would consider this expensive . Before she moved in , our bill was RM 30+ per person for 2 months . Each month would cost RM 15 + only … Now , its 5 times increased . I couldn’t believe the numbers i heard .
Side track a bit . Some relevant details you need to know . We’ll label the ” she ” i’m referring to as C ( C for cheater , con artist , orang celaka , child’s play ) and we’ll label my other friend who’s annoyed by C as A .
Its not the first time she got me and A disliking her . Its been like that for quite some time now . Me and A would always sit in the kitchen and complain about C . Mainly complaining about C‘s actions and the amount of electric and water C uses . You would need to stay under the same roof with C to really experience how it feels .
Back to the question . What did she do ? In short , she used too much electricity and water . And neither me nor A want to pay for the amount of electric and water she uses . Because , from my point of view , its not fair . I don’t want to pay for what I am not using . If we equally divided the bill , that would mean A and I would be paying for the water and electricity C used . It would be a deed to help her pay off part of the bill . But , i ‘d prefer walking the elderly across the road .
Yesterday night , A and I confronted her . I was the one who rolled the ball . We started off by talking about the electric bill because it was the electric bill that was the trouble . So , i suggested that all 3 of us practice abstinence . I proposed that all 3 of us refrain from using the air con for a month to see if there was any significant difference in the electric bill the next month . After having said that , C said ” Actually , I haven’t been turning on the air con since A‘s fan broke down because my skin bla bla bla … and bla on somemore unreasonable excuses. ” That .. was the first lie . A‘s air con broke down a month plus ago . It was just yesterday she and her bf enjoyed air con the whole night . It was just last week that she came out from her room wearing a scarve complaining that the air con was too cold . It was just last last week that the chilly air from her room cooled my feet when i stepped out from my room .
It just took a milisecond to register that she told a lie . Yup , and she made it seem that she was innocent . In a way , I could feel that she was blaming A and me ( coz my fan broke down recently ) for the elevation in the electric billl . I could rebut her because my fan broke down only last week , and the bill for last week is not accounted in this bill but the bill for next month . A , on the other hand , couldn’t say anything . We moved on to the water bill .
The water bill was cheap . Even though it was cheap , I still felt the need to fairly pay for the bill . As C uses more water , A and I proposed that she paid extra . And she said ,” Actually , i don’t mind paying extra for water bill , but i only wash clothes ONE extra time ( she did emphasise the word ” one ” ) from both of u , don’t tell me ,that, you also want to count . ” That was the 2nd lie .
Kiss my gluteus maximus ( butt ) ok . A and I washed clothes once per week , using 35 litres of water each time and sometimes 45 litres of water . C , on the other hand , washes her clothes 3 times per week using 35 to 45 litres of water each time . I ain’t stupid . I have eyes . I observe . I’m not dumb . I know I’m not the brightest . I know my brain slow a bit . BUT , 3 times is 3 times per week . Not ONE . And C could lie that she only washed extra 1 time compared to me and A . Totally not true at all .
When she lie , she’s like damn kesian . The face like damn innocent . But then it has no effects on us gals . Too bad for her .
My other friend whom she was once closed to told me that C‘s ex housemates had the same problem with her . They didn’t use air con . C’s the only one in the unit who used air con . And after she moved in . The electric bill shot up . Consequently , the exhousemate kejam kejam force her to pay . And i think she did .
Besides this , A feels very annoyed by her actions . In a way , C doesn’t give respect to A . And A has a soft spot . She’ll help C despite the fact that its against her will . Lately, A complains much more about her to me . Can see that she already tak boleh tahan . A even said that she want to move out from this unit . Hope she changes her mind and stays on . Otherwise , things will turn out very ugly .
I know that C occasionally reads my blog . I’m not going to apologize . If she does read it , very good then . Save me the trouble of telling it to her face . Saves her the embarrassment too . She’s lost our trust and respect .
At least , we know now what she’s capable of .

Ma de

i’m terribly very extremely pissed off now .

F… F… F… F… doot … doot … doot … doot .

I hate it I hate it I hate it I freaking hate it

Why the doot … why the doot doot doot doot !!!!

PS: I’m bored . I’m furious . I’ve lost it . I need a big fat slap . A slap that can slap away everything . Memories especially .

F ! F ! F ! F!

What’s their problem !

Internet service was barred for a few days last week . ” M ” and their sucky service . They got S’s email address wrong . Consequently , S didn’t receive any internet bill for the last 2 months and we got barred . Not S’s fault . Stupid staff working for M .

E.g

M-is-useless@yahoo.com.sg & M-is-useless@yahoo.com makes a difference . S ‘s email-address ended with “sg” .

And some smart-ass at M overlooked it .

After paying , the lady whom we paid to said that we were able to have our internet service back in 2 hours . Well , it took them 24 hours instead .

@#$%^&*?*&^%$#@@#$%+&*^%$#@@#$%^&*&^%$#@

What’s wrong with them !

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